Sometimes well-intentioned advice leads to unintended outcomes, while meaningful conversations often result in new insights.
26 December 2024
Tempting as it may be to give advice, everyone deserves the time and space to discover and learn on their own, without direction or judgment.
As a child, like many others, I experienced bullying and name-calling. My typical response was to say, “you are what you say,” driven by helplessness or fear of consequences if I stood up to the bullying. Perhaps I already intuitively sensed that retaliating wouldn’t change anything.
Insight
Incidents in youth that seem random at the time can later provide valuable insights. This happened to me during a recent conversation with someone I hadn’t spoken to in a long time. We discussed similarities in our work, hobbies, and personal lives, and found we had more in common than we had thought. Because I have known and respected this person for many years, observing how he handles personal hardships, the conversation lingered in my mind.
Voice
This morning, a voice in my head said, ‘you want what you say.’ Only one word different from the phrase I often used as a child in response to taunts and bullying. Reflecting on this today, I realized there is very little difference between what children wish upon each other during bullying and what adults wish upon each other when trying to help. The bullying child feels, even if just for a moment, superior by humiliating another child. There is no consideration for the bullied child’s feelings. Similarly, when I, with good intentions, advise someone based on my experiences without considering the potential consequences, I unintentionally create a sense of superiority. In both cases, there’s a chance the other person’s behavior might change. This blurs the line between advising and bullying, an interesting and surprising revelation I find humor in as a coach and consultant.
Flashback
Reflecting on my conversation earlier this week, the proverbial penny dropped. Was the phrase that woke me up this morning lingering in my mind because we have a tendency to want to change people around us? Did the personal commonalities remind me of this, or was there something else that struck a chord? The central question thus becomes whether our advice truly provides others with the space and safety to express what they might want to say, or do we advise them to do things because we wish to steer them in a certain direction?
Gift
What I repeatedly learn is that every conversation offers opportunities for growth. Whether it involves bullying, advising, or coaching, if you remain open, you can derive something valuable from each interaction. I now can see the bullying from my youth as a gift. I have learned much from it, even though that realization came much later, along with the awareness of the limitations I had created for myself due to the bullying. Tempting as it may be to give advice, everyone deserves the time and space to discover and learn on their own, without direction or judgment.
And if I’m ever asked for advice, I’ll start by repeating the phrase that woke me up this morning.
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